Memorial Day - Coping/Helping With Grief
-Introduction
-With this being Memorial Day weekend, many thoughts are directed toward those who have
passed on.
-Nationally - We think of those who made the ultimate sacrifice for the good of others.
-Personally - a time of remembrance/reflection on those close to us who have passed on
-Since moving here to Sallisaw, I have discovered that a number of you have faced a variety
of tragedies. So, many of you know first hand the ongoing difficulties brought about by grief.
-Grief is a topic that we don’t talk much about. It is a process that is not pleasant. It is
difficult for those enduring it and for those around them.
-Jesus’ Compassion Toward Those Grieving
-Isa 53:3 - “man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief”
-NIV - “a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering”
-grief - (Strong’s) - malady, anxiety, calamity: KJV - disease, grief, sick(ness)
-Isa 53:4 - “Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried” (NASB)
-Just think of all the suffering that Jesus saw as the multitudes gathered to Him and their sick
were brought to Him. In addition to the physical illnesses of the people, just think of the
spiritual sickness that Jesus encountered. Yet, in it all, Jesus continued to display compassion.
-Matt 23:37
-Jesus showed a great deal of compassion for those who were grieving the loss of a loved one.
-John 11:32-36, Luke 7:11-15
-We, too, need to exhibit compassion toward those who are grieving.
-However, many times, we just don’t know what to do or what to say.
-Unfortunately then, we sometimes do little to nothing.
-It can certainly be an awkward situation - for those grieving and for those offering comfort.
What do you say? What do you do? How long do you stay? Should you leave them alone?
Do you call? Do you stop by and visit? Do you avoid the topic of the person who has passed
away or do you reflect upon them in conversation? etc.
-When it comes down to it, grieving is a process that we don’t know much about. We just don’t
know how to handle it at times.
-The Process of Grieving
-Different people grieve in different ways. Some let their emotions pour out. Others, simply
close them up. Some want isolation while others fear it. Some want others there with them
while others want to be left alone. Some want to talk, others don’t.
-There is simply not a right or wrong way. It is a personal process.
-So, there needs to be communication.
-Friends and family members are often readily available early in the process but then fade
away from the person who remains in grief. So, a person may be “flooded” early on and
then somewhat isolated as the process continues.
-Yes, it is important for us to continue to reach out to a grieving person, but it is just as
important for the grieving person to be willing to reach out to others.
-A person who is grieving may hope that people will do certain things at certain times. They
either hope or expect others to realize those needs and when they exist. However, many
times, people don’t realize the specific needs nor the specific times they exist.
-The one grieving should try to communicate his/her needs and preferences.
-Those wanting to comfort and assist a grieving person should also communicate. Ask the
person what his/her preferences are. “Would you like some company?”; “Do you want to
be left alone?”; “Do you want to talk?”; “Do you need to vent?”, etc.
-There needs to be an understanding that there are no specific, “right” things to say or do.
Nothing is going to magically make everything better. Grieving is something that takes time but
there is no set time frame.
-The main thing is to be there for the person - Job 2:11-13.
-Various Stages In Grieving
-Even though grieving is a personal process with wide-ranging time variances, there are still some
common stages in the process.
1. Shock and Denial - person feels somewhat disoriented, numb - “This can’t be.”; “How could
this happen?”
-The numbness begins to wear off but denial remains for some time. It’s hard to accept the
difficult circumstances.
-This stage seems to gradually wean a person toward a new way of life.
2. Anger - Reality sets in and we don’t like it.
-directed to various sources: self - “What if’s”; others - “You should have...”; the person
we’re grieving - “How could you have done this?”; God - “Why did you let this happen?”
-Anger is an expression of grief. It is a type of release valve. Let it out. Express it.
-Physical expression of anger can be dangerous. Talk it out. Write it out. Vent to somebody
you trust. Offer to be an outlet - a listener - to the person grieving.
3. Guilt - This can be related to the “What if’s” of the anger stage. This can relate to some of the
things we said during the anger stage.
-This may relate to perceived mistakes and missed opportunities.
-It is important to remember that we are fallible. If we corrected one situation, what about the
next one?
-Sometimes a person may feel guilty for being relieved that somebody passed away - i.e. in
the case of prolonged pain and suffering or the avoidance of it.
4. Sadness and Depression - With reality now set in and anger fading, deep sadness sets in.
-Contact from others is important here! Yet, the responsibility is two-fold.
-We need to continue to offer comfort and help. There also needs to be a willingness on
the part of the grieving party to be open to/accepting of the offers of help.
-Seek somebody to talk to. Have somebody to confide in.
-Ramble and vent if you need to. This is not something to be ashamed of.
-The Grieving Process is a Helping Process
-We are sometimes ashamed of showing emotions and therefore try to hide them.
-We shouldn’t feel that we have to try to hide or suppress them. They help to release what’s inside.
-At the same time, we shouldn’t try to force this on others. People react differently.
-We should not feel that we’ll reach a point when it doesn’t hurt anymore. That won’t be the case.
-We will not completely eliminate grief. However, we can adapt to it and modify it.
-As we continue through the process, those previous memories of a loved one will continue to come
to the forefront. As they do, there will be more smiles and laughs and fewer tears.
-Even though a person seems weak and vulnerable at times through the grieving process, the end
result is added strength - Jas 1:2-4.
-During the grieving process, faith is tried and tested. (We need to remember that this is a time for
consoling, not for criticizing.)
-Through the process, a person should focus more and more on faith. The end result can be a
deeper, stronger faith. (Rom 5:1-5)
-Through faith, we gain great instruction, comfort, support and encouragement.
-Heb 4:14-16, Heb 2:16-18, Heb 12:1-2
-Looking to Jesus, let’s strive to be more like Him - more compassionate to those around us.
-Summary and Conclusion
-In the scriptures, death is described as a departure - 2 Tim 4:6.
-But, as Christians, we look forward to a reunion.
-1 Thess 4:13-18
-We will be together with the redeemed and together with the Lord.
-This should greatly motivate us in striving to be obedient and faithful.
-It should also strongly motivate us to continue to teach and encourage one another to be obedient
and faithful - so that we can look forward to our reunion with Christ.
-What a day that will be!
-Are you prepared for the day of your departure? Are you prepared for the day of the Lord’s
return?
-If not, respond now so that you’ll be ready. Obey the Gospel: believe (John 3:16, 8:24),
Confess (Matt 10:32, Rom 10:9-10), Repent (Luke 13:3,5; Acts 17:30), Be Baptized (Acts 2:38,
Gal 3:26-27). If you’ve obeyed the Gospel but haven’t remained faithful (Rom 6:4), confess your
shortcomings, repent of them and pray to God for forgiveness (1 John 1:7-9, Acts 8:22-24).